textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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