if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
