If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
