i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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