Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
