in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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