Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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