My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
