At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
