Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
