I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
