I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Drunk is a universal language darling
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
