Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
