Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
