you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Randomize
