This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
