I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
