omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
