I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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