I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
