Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
