one word: firstdatebathroomanal
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I wish there were birth control emojis
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
