i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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