sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Vodka?
Forever.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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