Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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