I will die if light touches me.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
