I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
