Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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