Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
