Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
