Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
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