Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
