so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
