Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
