Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
