So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
