she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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