I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
