we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
