Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Randomize
