I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
you had me at cake vodka
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
