Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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