I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
