allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
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