when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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