You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
The struggles of a small town man whore
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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