My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
