she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
