Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Sorry about my life...
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
