My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
